Welcome To My Mind

Hello everyone. Usually when I write a blog post I have a fairly well defined plan of how it will go in my head. Todays post is different. It’s a bit of a head dump post, so I’m apologising in advance for what may be a rambling post.

A minion with the phrase welcome to my mind. Please fasten your sestbelt and keep your arms and legs in at all times. Don't feed the animals drink the water ot talk to the voices. Enjoy the ride

What’s on my mind…..?

As anyone who knows me or regularly reads this blog will know I love Twitter.  I make no excuses, I’m a Twitter addict. Amoung the people I chat to regularly  is a group of 12 or so individuals who together have formed an unofficial support group. We look out for each other through all sorts of situations. Kids playing up, relationships, running out of wine, coffee or cake and a range of mental health issues.

Some of our group were chatting the other week about the recovery or remission stage of depression. One lovely Lisa mentioned how she feels stronger because of her last bad bout.  Changed, but changed for the better. She wrote an amazing post titled Dragonfly about this change last week. You should check it out.  During our conversation I said I don’t feel like I ever emerge from bouts of depression a better person.

I miss the old me

This was the phrase I used in our conversation. The phrase echoes something Lisa writes in her post. She acknowledges the.person she is now is different to who she was before her depression. The difference in our outlooks is how we view the old and new usses (is that a word? It should be). Lisa is like a fearsome warrior woman.  Every time she fights her depression she comes away stronger and with new kick arse fighting skills.

Warrior woman holding two swords. Standing im front of the mood

I however feel more like The Black Knight from Monty Pythons Holy Grail. Every time I try fighting my depression I seem to lose another part of me. I’m not able to go out far on my own. I don’t feel comfortable around  unfamiliar people. New places or experiences freak  me out. Everything makes me afraid.

Sometimes I see memes on Twitter or Facebook about peoples weight. They go something along the lines of ‘I wish I could be as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat’. I often think ‘I wish I could be as brave as I was the first time I thought I was afraid of something ‘. Honestly the old Tracey was amazing and fearless. She would go places, meet people, try new things without a care in the world. I really do miss her.

A new start

Last week I wrote a post Its okay to be sad. In it I explained I’ve been laid off from my part time job. This means that I’m tentatively looking for a new job. I say tentatively because with my current level of mental health as well as issues with not being able to drive there are few jobs I feel able to apply for.

I am however taking the role of looking for work seriously and am regularly checking job sites. Yesterday on one site I saw a job for a residential home I use to work in many years ago. It’s this advert that bought  to mind the conversation we had  the other week and is what inspired this post.

For a brief moment yesterday I thought about applying for the job. I use to do it. I use to be bloody good at the job too. And then reality set in.  Asides from the difficulties I would have getting to and from the home, I wouldn’t be able to do it now. Being out the house for 40+ hours a week. Dealing with new people, expectations and  unpredictability are beyond me at this point in time.

The realisation that I can’t  do a job I did 15 years ago makes me angry and frustrated with myself. If there was a physical reason why I couldn’t do it I could accept that.  But asides from being a bit fatter, I’m physically the same person. And the job hasn’t changed, I’m experienced and qualified enough to do it. Nothing has changed except this big messy, frightened,  self doubting thing in my head.

I wish that one day like Lisa I might see a better, stronger, inproved version of myself. If that day ever comes I would have no problem saying goodbye to the Tracey of old.  Until that time however I try to hold onto the hope that my old self might still be out there somewhere. Lost for the moment, but not gone.  Because the thought of staying like this forever is just a bit too grim.

Scientific Fact ~ Bloggers feed on blog comments. Please help keep this blogger well fed♡

Thank you, Mrs A Xx

Lucy At Home

30 Comments

  1. Malin - Sensational Learning with Penguin

    November 4, 2018 at 3:06 pm

    Oh gosh Tracey, I read and commented in this in February, and I feel it just as much now, if not more. I burnt out while in my last job. Since then we’ve moved from Sweden to the UK, and my hubby is now the bread-winner, while I’m full time carer and home educator for our boy. Recently I was thinking about asking for a part-time job in our local supermarket, to help bring in some much needed extra income. But when I really thought about what working there would be like, I realised that I might not be able to do it, or at least wouldn’t be very good at it. I’ve worked in shops before, a lot, and have been brilliant at it if I may say so myself. But now, the thought of having to face people and be nice to them, and to show enthusiasm, and learn new things… well it all makes me feel all knotted inside! If my very survival depended upon it I could probably do it, but it would take a ridiculous amount of energy and effort, and would most likely have a negative effect on our life in general. I have to look after my mental health and make sure I don’t fall down into that dark hole of burnout depression again, and I think even a ‘simple’ job like that could mean a risk in that aspect… which is so frustrating. In many ways I feel that I’m a stronger person from going through difficult times, but I can also very much feel like what you express in this post, that I’m not the (perhaps naively?) quite fearless individual that I was.
    Big hugs xx
    #MixItUp

  2. Mum25boys

    October 30, 2018 at 7:23 am

    I love open and honest posts like this.

  3. Mummy of 5 miracles

    October 29, 2018 at 9:06 pm

    How very honest of you to write this Tracey. I often wonder what happened to the old me too. I have now reached a point where I can see ahead and believe the old me is in there somewhere and I really hope you do too.
    I’ve no doubt that you could do that job standing on your head and that once you had settled the old you would come back in no time but it really does take you to be ready for that first step. You can do this I know you can x

    1. hooks_and_dragons

      October 29, 2018 at 9:29 pm

      Thank you, alas the transport problem is one I can’t solve atm, so its not possible for me to apply xx

  4. mummyhereandthere

    October 29, 2018 at 6:22 pm

    It is lovely you have a connection with others on Twitter. I don’t really connect with people so I miss out on that kind of thing but I can relate as a fellow suffer of depression totally sucks. Thank goodness for memes they save my life and help me get through the roughest of days X #mmbc

  5. likeherdingcatsblog

    October 29, 2018 at 10:53 am

    Such an honest post a little close to home for me. I hope you leanr to love yourself as you are now or make the changes you wish for. I too need to do something about my weight, amongst other things, and I struggle with motivation. Good luck and positive thoughts to you xx

  6. Helena

    February 19, 2018 at 6:45 pm

    Ah it sounds like mental health affects us all differently. I hope you find your inner warrior. #BlogCrush

  7. Alice | Letters to my Daughter

    February 18, 2018 at 11:56 pm

    This is a very brave and honest post, and I really get where you’re coming from. There’s a book called ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’ which you might enjoy if you haven’t read it already. I’m also particularly fond of a Rocky quote when I’m feeling like this…”The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place… and I don´t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently, if you let it. You, me or nobody, is gonna hit as hard as life. But ain’t about how hard you hit… It’s about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward… how much you can take, and keep moving forward. That´s how winning is done.” #BlogCrush

  8. Rhyming with Wine

    February 17, 2018 at 2:58 pm

    I can completely understand how this feels. I think I’m getting wiser with each difficult time but definitely not stronger. I’m so sad to hear that you feel this way as to me you’re one of the strongest and most honest writers I know. Visiting you today through #blogcrush xx

  9. Malin - Sensational Learning with Penguin

    February 16, 2018 at 6:30 am

    Beautifully put and I totally get wht you mean 🖤 x
    #BlogCrush

  10. Modern Gypsy

    February 13, 2018 at 6:24 am

    Depression and anxiety can be very hard to deal with. But the old Tracy is in there – I hope you find her again soon! xx

  11. Sophie

    February 12, 2018 at 6:52 pm

    What an honest post and one which makes me sad, Tracey. I haven’t suffered from depression but I have very low moments so I have a glimpse at how it could be. How about calling and finding out if they would accept a part time person? It may work? I wish you well and there will something out there for you. Take care. #mondaystumble

    1. hooks_and_dragons

      February 12, 2018 at 6:56 pm

      Hi lovey, unfortunately the demands of the job (clients with high risk challenging behaviours) means its hard mentally and I would potentially be a risk myself or other people if I wasn’t 100 up to the job

  12. Chloe

    February 12, 2018 at 6:03 pm

    Hi, thank you for sharing this brutually honest and heart felt post. I am glad that Twitter has become a grreat resource for you #mondaystumble

  13. bernice benton

    February 12, 2018 at 4:47 pm

    i know we don’t know each other, but reading your blog I think you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. The fact that you can be as candid and honest about your health and emotions is a real superpower ,it is something many people lack the ability to do and is one you should cherish and embrace

    1. hooks_and_dragons

      February 12, 2018 at 4:50 pm

      You’re not the first person to say that to me today. Thank you xxx

  14. Tracy Albiero

    February 12, 2018 at 4:03 pm

    It is so hard not to compare ourselves to our past or others. You got a good group who support you! #mondaystumble

  15. sharon brison

    February 12, 2018 at 3:20 pm

    I found this post very touching, and so honest, thanks for sharing it. I’m always suffering from self-doubt the minute I press the publish button on my blog, I’m trying to believe, as my friends keep telling me, that its great and I should keep going and believe more in myself. Although it has to be said its a little easier hiding behind a laptop!

    1. hooks_and_dragons

      February 12, 2018 at 3:22 pm

      Your blog is great, believe your friends xx

  16. Michelle Kellogg

    February 12, 2018 at 2:26 pm

    I feel that I have become stronger as well but I also think this differs depending on the person and the situation. I have been where you are about the job thing Tracey. Up until recently in fact, on the job front, I was very depressed. I have a car but it can only go so far before it starts to have problems and unfortunately most of the jobs I qualify for are beyond that distance. So, I decided to do an internship with a local non-profit organization. It gets me the experience I need to qualify for more jobs and the people are so wonderful to work with. Maybe you need to find your old self but allow someone greater to blossom in you. It will take time though. I wish I could help you through this Tracey! You’re a good person who deserves to live a very happy life but I believe you will find your way:) #MondayStumble

  17. Jo - Cup of Toast

    February 12, 2018 at 2:10 pm

    I’m sorry to hear that you feel this way. It’s easy to look back on our old selves though without recalling some of the insecurities we had then, and without seeing the good and positive that we have in our lives now. I’ve suffered with depression in the past and know how consuming it can become. Do make sure that you look after current you.

  18. Anne

    February 12, 2018 at 12:08 pm

    This makes me sad, I wish you could find the old you. I’m a depression sufferer and like Lisa I come out the other side feeling stronger…however, since I became suddenly physically disabled, I really miss my old self. I can’t even go to the school and pick my kids up alone. Of course, I’ve had to fight depression even more, but inside I feel something new emerging. I’m not quite there yet but instead of trying to be the old me I’m determined to become a new me, a better me. I can’t do the things I used to do so I’ll do something different instead. I hope that you can build a new you too, someone different to the old Tracey but just as good, if not better. x

  19. Misa

    February 12, 2018 at 11:24 am

    Depression is such a bastard. I feel for you, because it’s stolen something from me and I’m still coming to terms with that. Trying to figure out who I am now.

    1. hooks_and_dragons

      February 12, 2018 at 11:43 am

      Thats a difficult thing to do. You know where I am if you need a chat xx

  20. Clare

    February 12, 2018 at 11:21 am

    I think the online community can be amazing for allowing us to share things we might not feel able to in “real life”. It’s fantastic that you’ve built up such a close-knit group on Twitter and it’s lovely that you all support each other so much. Depression is something I struggle with a little too, but it’s something I’m trying hard to keep pushing down. I’m very fortunate in that I work from home so I can just shut the world out and get on with it on my low days.
    With the job, it may not seem like it at the moment but I truly believe these things happen for a reason, and there’s something bigger and better on the way for you xxx #MondayStumble

  21. Plutonium Sox

    February 12, 2018 at 11:04 am

    Ahh I’m so sorry to hear you feel like this. As one of your Twitter fans I like you just the way you are but I can totally see how it must be frustrating for you.
    Nat.x

    1. hooks_and_dragons

      February 12, 2018 at 11:08 am

      Thank you my love. I think on Twitter you see the better side of me. More like the old me xx

  22. Rach

    February 12, 2018 at 10:02 am

    This resonates. And head dumps are often how my posts tend to go these days. But it feels good to get it all out. #mondaystumble

  23. Lisa - Little Orange Dog

    February 12, 2018 at 9:29 am

    Brilliant post Mrs. A (and not just because you used my warrior image, sexy aren’t I?). Seriously though, I believe you are a whole lot stronger than you think. You have written with such honesty, only someone strong can do that. I agree 40 hours would be far too much, but maybe call them and see if they would consider a part-time role. What’s the worst that can happen? Got your back lovely lady xxx

    1. hooks_and_dragons

      February 12, 2018 at 9:33 am

      That particular role would be difficult even ar part time. The organisation takes on individuals with extreme challenging behaviours as well as learning disabilities.

Please leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: